I've been reading my senior's blog for past hour and I'm curious how I will live in ten years time.
He's turning thirty next year and he is not living a life he wants to lead. He is trapped in a world that he was forced into because of circumstances, even though he has a clear vision of how his life should be.
Here I am, still trying to firgure out whether I'm cut out to do the things I've chosen to do. I wonder, in ten years time, will I have figured out what I am meant to do? Or maybe I'll be stuck in the same situation as my senior - trppaed in a whorld I don't belong in. Why didn't I realise that career is such an integral part of my life? All my life, I've only been thinking how I'll get married to the right guy meant for me and then it'll be happily ever after. How immature I was.
I've lost the feeling of waking up every morning and looking forward to the day. My mind has now started to play tricks with my feelings. Sometimes I'm left thinking "It's time for a change" and toehr times I'm telling myself "This is just a step to get to where you belong". What I'm truly afraid of is that I'll be too engrossed in doing what I'm not interested in and get too engrossed in it that I forget and lose track of what I really want. And how did I even get that feeling? Somehow, I feel that I'm not giving my best in school because of work.
I screwed up my presentation just a while ago. Keeping aside the fact that I worked on my presentation slides till 2am, because my (uninterested) groupmate(s) didn't thought of doing it, I was greeted with a brand new presentation slides that was done up by one of my beloved groupmates. And the worst part is that it was incomplete. Obviously, she did that in like 30mins? Frankly, I hate playing the blaming game. I don't want to point fingers at others - I want to take responsible of my life and not let others affect. But, the change and modification of the slides just made me blank out in the middle of the presentation. I've never in my life had experience that (maybe duing one of the advertising presenation, but that wasn't a solo presenation, so it was this bad). After doing that presentation, the only thought left in my head was, "Oh god, please let the floor turn into a puddle of quicksand and swallow me in." The only that made me angry at the end of the day was how my groupmates behaved because it was a solo presentation and didn't bother to contribute much in it.
So I end up blaming myself, coming up with many "what if"s and telling myself that there's always a first when it comes to making a mistake. But, was this even a mistake that could have been prevented?
Thank you to Elaine who summed up my day with the outing at 313@Somerset (http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=128566&id=687903796&l=54578c473f). The Christmas lights and the holiday spirit that dazzled the dark sky cleared my mind, reassuring me that the new day will mark a new beginning.
"Forget about the consequences of failure. Failure is only a temporary change in direction to set you straight for your next success."
- Denis Waitley
What do you call a person who wakes up every day with the thought of "What will happen today?"
Not with a tone of anticipation, but anxiety.
It's scary to live a life like that, and it's scarier when you know a person like that. You're afraid you might increase their anxiety level and lead to some other problems that will result in unthinkable consequences. So, you have to be nice to them - replying to all their sms-es on time, calling them every once in a while and when he/she calls you out, you should go even if you're busy (or at least make up for that date).
Somehow, my friend's anxiety in life has led to my anxiety in what he will do next.
Sometimes the peopl who you are close with are the people who let you down.
What the heck - I shouldn't be bothered by these bastards.
Engulfed in the coldness of my office, I'm not feeling motivated to do anything. It's annoying that just not too long ago, I returned from my holiday and I already feel the laziness kick in. Should I give myself a break and take it slow till I find a pace that is best suited to my lifestyle?
I've mixed feelings about my work. It feels as though I'm trapped in a love-hate relationship with a guy - I enjoy the company of the guy even though he's the most annoying guy on earth who puts me down even when I'm already down and always find fault in me. He's the one who points out all the mistake I make and hits at where I hurt the most.
But, at the same time, without him, I would feel as if my life is incomplete and he sure pats me on the back when I do something good.
Somehow, even after writing all this down, I can't decide which factor outweighs the other - do I love or hate him more?
Now, that's the question I'm asking myself. Do I love or hate work?
I feel this is the right time to make a choice - after all, the new year's coming and I can't welcome the new year with something that is not meant for me. And the new year always prompts me to have a fresh start... So I'm contemplating.
I've always believed that whatever happens is meant to happen and a reason is always attached to it. A regretful life is not what I want, but I don't mind a few regrets once in a while. But, what if prolonging this work-related misery longer brings about a huge regret? I'm afraid that I might end up hating myself for making that choice.
On the other hand, maybe I'm just exaggerating (like how I always do, anyway). Work does not affect me much in life. It does affect my school work quite a lot, but I'm coping fairly well and I like the challenge of juggling two things at the same time. Also, it's not much of a problem to keep this job - I get my salary for all this misery and at the very least, I'm not rotting at home and am stimulating my brain to think.
But, the most important factor that has brought me to this stage is ultimately how my emotions is affected by work (oh gosh, just like in a relationship). You see, I might have all the materialistic boons, but what if my happiness does not lie on these benefits? Now, I've found the root to my problems.
So, what's the solution?
A few days back, when I was doing my hair at some rundown hari salon at KL early morning, I read an article on CLEO magazine about work unsatisfaction. It stated in the article that it is important to find a job that will bring satisfaction to your life as it is a fact that at the end of this journey, you will be spending most of your time at work doing stuff that you either like or don't like.
Also in the article it listed on how to find out whether you need a change in job, and out of the ten points jotted down, about eight I ticked yes to.
That led me to thinking more about work and eventually this post now in this dingy, smelly place (seriously, I wonder why this place stinks badly - the worst part is that I was so used to the stink before the holiday that my brain processed that smell to a normal scent. Eww).
At the end, I realise I'm left with two choices to end this whole saga. ONE - to choose the easiest way of changing job, but before that I've to face the disapproval remarks from my mom and I've to find a job that can continue to provide me with the means of paying my school fees (abhor the fact that money is controlling my life). TWO - to change my attitude towards my work, which I've tried multiple times but I somehow end up back to the bottom where I am right at this moment. This needs a lot more work that I expect but I'll sure reap a lot more benefits from this. After all, where is the reassurance that if I choose path ONE, I might not end with a job I don't like again?
What's the point of proposing something you can't defend? People should learn the rule of thumb of shutting their mouths up. Reason #1 why people don't talk often is because they don't want to get into unnecessary troubles. Reason #2 might not seem right to some, but most shut their mouth so that they don't have to be held responsibility to something. After all, who loves responsibility, unless you are thirsty for power. Reason #3 - because they don't like answering to questions that will rise after proposing the idea. A string of question is sure to the come along and this leads to Reason #4. People who don't like to defend their ideas, or maybe the idea just came out in the spur of the time with no rhyme or reason behind it - How can you expect us to defend the idea within seconds. And lastly, Reason #5 sums up the whole of this post - because asking questions is easy, but answering them is indefinitely difficult and painful.
And how apt is today's horoscope to what I'm feeling: "If you can't accept the consequences of what you say, then don't talk."
Listening to: Bad Romance by Lady Gaga
The start of COMM2052 module is nearing in exactly one and a half hours. It's MRM all over again, but maybe - putting together parts and pieces from what happened last module - this time round the scoring will be more lenient. I've yet to get my results for last module, and putting my leg into a zone I'm not very familiar as of yet, is strangely inviting fluttering butterflies into my stomach after months of doing this. And the thought of having to do a group presentation this Saturday - in other words, less than 5 days' time - (15 bloody percent worth) is not helping my situation. However, it's time to pull up my socks and give my best shot. I mean, that's the only thing I can do to salvage my situation right?
Holiday was an eye-opener in various ways. Ultimately, it was a good one that has me feeling refreshed inside but tire me down outside. So, I took the day off from work. After all, I don't want to be attending my first lecture of this module feeling super drained. Lots of photos will be posted soon, and I already can't wait for another getaway.
But till then, I've to push myself to work hard, play hard and save those moolahs.
It's three thirty pm, and as usual I'm overdosing myself with K-Pop songs. I find it funny that exactly a year ago was when my addiction for K-Pop actually begin (Post K-Pop Night, I would like to call it). Ever since, I've allocated most of my free time to Korean culture more than J-culture. Probably a sense of guilt has built up over the months...
In 2 hours time, I'll be going on my much-deserved holiday. Leaving all my problems behind - let it be work, school, love or just life - as I cross the causeway, I'm determined to come back feeling refreshed and much more energetic and enthusiastic than how I was back when I started to juggle school and work.
Faith is one thing I will be pondering on during this trip. I'm almost certain that I won't find answers to my burning questions about my passion, but humans are meant to keep trying even though the problem never seem to be seeing the daylight. At the very least, this will be a growing-up experience.
I've thought about karma on several occasions. Like how I'm always finding ways to help people, but when opportunity shows up, my eyes are blinded unknowingly. I need to do something about that too, and faith will allow me to do so.
My thoughts are all over the place, screaming for some form of organisation and sense.
I love Arashi. I really do.
It's over. My exam, I mean.
I'm amazed at how relieved I felt when I handed the completed exam ppr to the invigilator - the the extent that I forgot to get back my identification card and student card back. But, this is all probably because of how fast it all went past - one day I was worried over my work, and the next day I switched ever so readily to focus in my preparation for the exams. It all happened in a blink of the eye that the emotions I felt during the journey was too overwhelming. But, yes, I'm more than glad that today went well and all I'm looking forward to now is anime fest and holiday. woohoo~!
By the way, I still think that I'm cut out to be a student more than a working adult. Because I've yet to grow up.
You know how it all starts - as the tension builds up, your rationale side of the mind gives in to irrationale side, which has all the while been working with the heart. Soon, all you have is the times when you've been so nice to yourself. Thinking now, is this blissful situation called life?
Where have the challenges, troubles and ridiculous worries go to? Having only the good side of everything is certainly not life - it is just a part of your life. Need I even say a pretty small part? Too much of good things leads only to the root of evil. Because when everything goes smoothly, it is only natural for the human heart to yearn for some excitement, thus taking risks in every opportunity present.
So, at the end of the day, where would you rather be? This side or the greener side? I'd rather stay out where I am right now.
--
I hope I will complete my revision soon so that I can start on the past year papers. My one last shot to redemption.
